dancer

I cannot stop the persistent feet
Of the little dancer in my head
Adagio! Arabesque! Plié!
Sir Cavalier. Leading and pushing.
He treads on the right side of my brain
Doing tap dances and pirouettes
Fucking with my intuition, my emotions.
He saunters to the left. Gracefully.
There he moonwalks and shimmies
Distracting me from logic and reason.
Leaving behind footprints and scuff marks.
Permanent reminders of an unpredictable dance
Others cannot see his leaps and jumps.
Cannot hear the constant beating of drums.
In vain desperation to stop his performance,
I try to smoke him out.
With a clove. Or two. Or three.
Or maybe I could drown him?
In a glass. Or two. Or six.
Perhaps a scalding shower?
Another feministic diatribe?
Soothing songs of melancholy?
Meaningless fiction books?
Doubtful. Fleeting distractions.
It's all bullshit anyways.
I suppose... I could just run?
Doing my own pirouettes and pliés,
As I sprint for the fucking door.

father of lies

This time I will fight it.
The stronger demon inside,
constantly spewing his lies,
Blackening my soul.
Hardening my heart.
I will fight, I will try.
It will take all my strength,
Not to disappear within my self.
My struggle for stability.
Self-preservation
Becomes an harmful act.
Self-destruction
Resulting in a prophesy.
Self-fulfilling

"You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

bohemian

Eyes are black holes, a vacuum in a space framed
Crystalline unmysterious, clean easy soul windows
Skin is without blemish, smooth and glowing
Flawed, spotted and scarred with past mistakes
The picture of style and trendiness, brightly stunning
Hangs limp. Frizzy, exhausted from trying to impress
Smile beckons people in, come hither smirk
Warm and comforting, but not often seen
Body is skinny, feminine in the right places, perfect
Slightly awkward, misshapen and unbalanced
Voice is strong and proud, confidence in your words
Wavers with the wind, quivering with insecurities
Words are witty and sharp, men hanging on every one
Slow, and thought-out, no spontaneity of speech
Barely a glance in my direction, no threat to you
Conflict of admiration and envy. I hate you, really
Triumphant, they fall over themselves in worship
Alas, I surrender, giving up the ever hopeless fight

thread

I return to you again.
Evermore unchanged.
My feelings still laced
With the addictive drug of indifference.
We share this small space.
Bodies intertwined.
Your hand rests heavy upon my hip,
The weight of your leg
Suffocating, over mine.
The nights stillness settles in.
I never ache for you,
I never long for you
I never desire you.
Still I return. A dog to his vomit.
Hearts threaded together,
most delicately.
Fused by years gone past,
shared growing pains,
and the terrifying possibilityof
Dying Alone.

skeletons

In the past few months, my obnoxiously inquisitive mind, has guided me on a journey to discover the truths about my past. It has driven me to ask the questions I have long stuffed into the deeper recesses of my temporal lobe. The questions, inconsistencies, misunderstandings, all which were completely out of my control, still maintain a powerful hold on my heart. Mistakes of others. Secretive scandal. Sins of the father. Sins of the mother. I claim to be doing this in a vain selfish effort to understand myself better. Curiosity. Incited by the ever-present reminder that the blood coursing through my veins, beating in my heart, fueling every breath, contains a genetic blueprint that ties me to this shadow of my past. My persistent questioning comes at a painful price. Reparation in jaded perspectives and sleepless nights. Maybe some skeletons are best left closeted.

insomnia

My persistent questioning comes with a painful price.
Reparation in jaded perspectives and sleepless nights.

ticking bomb

Sometimes I want to shake him
Rattle his little body,
In the vainest of effort,
For a simple reaction.
Inevitably negative
But an acknowledgment.
Maybe with his brain
Sloshing back and forth
Hemorrhaging and bruised
He might wake up from this.
Look around and see,
The beautiful things that remain.
Casting aside his darkened,
Cloudy lens of hatred.
Silently defiant, always indifferent.
His harsh angry scowl
Shadows his delicate features.
Scrawny arms folded,
Tiny fists clenched
As if the slightest irritant
Would trip the wire
For the vengeful ticking bomb
Inside.

Most times I just want to hug him
I want to apologize.
For every evil human
That has wounded him.
Broken his spirit.
For every bloody nose,
And blackened eye.
I could kill them.
He flinches in fear,
Eyes always downcast.
Like a beaten puppy.
When his big brown eyes well up,
With the tears of suppressed rage
It breaks my heart
Again and again.
I struggle to understand
How an eleven year old
Could possibly be so angry.
Hopelessly jaded, so young.
Seemingly without a future.
Destroying his own chances,
With every listless shove.
I long to tell him that he is loved
Without reason or precedent.
I believe in him.
I see the potential.
Inside.