holding my breath

My community has just recently delved into the idea of “holistic ministry” as an approach to our spiritual health and well-being. I love this concept, and I was really stoked when we made this shift. However, the more I think about my excitement I realize it stems from a place of fear and selfishness. I like the idea of addressing my relationships, gifts and talents, finances, emotions, and physical life because it requires me to make tangible step-by-step changes in my life. Devoid of any real interaction and communion with God. As I sat down and flipped through the pages of our Relent & Respond journals I realized I was approaching it with the same mechanical methodical mindset that I read self-help books. I ask, what is my problem and what can I do to fix it? See. Infer. Conclude. Solve. I have not entered God into the equation at all. Oh, how I dread the Spiritual Practices week.

Sometimes I question whether I am truly even a Christian. What does that even mean? I do not question the existence of God or the basic tenants of this faith. I can argue intellectually my belief in a higher power. However, I never do anything I about it. I don't even attempt. I exist here, festering in His Grace, making a complete mess of things in the process. I struggle so deeply with a desire to control my life, so I don’t pray because the answer might not be one I want to hear. I think it is amusing how I am in the middle of writing this blog about faith (or lack thereof) and I get a phone call from a stranger, offering her services to me in helping me find a teaching job. The catch: she does not work in Florida. Faith. Do I have any at all?
Perhaps I should pray about it...

“Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillment of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing...We each need to find a niche in life, and spiritually we find it when we receive a ministry from the Lord. To do this we must have close fellowship with Jesus and must know Him as more than our personal Savior”

Oh hey Oswald Chambers, thanks for the kick in the ass.