Saturday, January 10, 2009


It is Saturday morning, and I have about a million things that need to complete today. I have friends to visit, community to build, conversations to have. And yet, it all seems so exhausting. I would rather spend the morning on my porch, the living and breathing recluse. I didn't sleep well last night. In fact, I haven't slept well in weeks.

I haven't talked to God much lately either. I'm not angry, or doubting, or bitter, I'm just bored. I am weary of the same circular spiritual conversations. I sick of reading spiritual books. I have this faith, and it appears almost unshakable, and yet with all my faith why do I have no desire to speak to Him. Really, the only time prayer crosses my mind anymore is when I need something, or I'm depressed, or stressed. And in these moments I usually stop myself midsentence, when I realize how utterly selfish I am being. I am like the friend who only calls you when she has nothing better to do, and just needs someone to listen to all their woes and issues.

I hate that person, and yet I am that person.

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