Wednesday, March 11, 2009

do your magic

"We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it."
-Oswald Chambers
I am so practical that I forget the vision. For those of you fluent in Myers-Briggs-ish you can immediately get a sense of what I am talking about when I tell you that I am an ISTJ (Introverted Sensing with Extraverted Thinking). As the “duty fulfiller” I tend to have a strong internal sense of responsibility. I am organized and methodical in my approach to life situations. Basically, I am boring and predictable, but I will get the job done! Just kidding. Sort of.

Please, let me explain.

I never impulse-buy or make plans beyond my means. I am obnoxiously frugal. I am good with my money, and I tend to freak out if my bank account dips below a certain amount. Really, I lose my shit. I do not undertake tasks that I think I might possibly fail at, which is why I did not write for years. I did not think anyone would care to hear what I had to say. I chose a career path based on its assumed “security.” (Ah, what crap that turned out to be... thanks, economic recession. Perfect timing, really.) I hate to take risks when it comes to relationships because there is the possibility of rejection, which I equate to failure. That why I tend to return to the old familiarities of those relationships already established. A dog to it's vomit. At least it's familiar vomit. I could go on and on. Lately, God has been beating me over the head with the same concept. Basically he says…
“Megan, stop being so damn practical all the time, and just live in the gifts I have given you. WAIT. Just live in my inspiration. ASK for my inspiration. WAIT and ASK. Wait and ask. Wait and ask. Wait and ask...”
(I am pretty certain that He says it like that in heaven, sighing in exasperation and rolling His eyes at me. God, I really hope so.)

Sounds simple right? Humph. Well, no. Waiting and asking are the two hardest things in the world for me to do. I have never been a procrastinator. I was that jerk in high school that was done with the book report two days after it was assigned, just because I would rather get it out of the way than have the impending doom of the deadline hanging over my head. When I moved into my new apartment in Winter Park, not only did I move all my shit over there in one day... I had the entire place DECORATED before I went to bed that night. I don’t wait. I hate to wait. Waiting makes me a crazy-stressed-insomniatic-bitch. So okay, God. You want me to wait. Cute. I’m already in a bad mood.

What?!? I’m supposed to ask too?
Now You’re just being smug.

Okay, I know that asking for God to show his purposes and plans for your life seems like a completely reasonable and common-sense “Christian-y” thing to do. I know all the verses about asking. Zechariah 10:1, Matthew 7:7-11, Luke 11:9-13, John 14:13, John 15:7… need I go on? The common thread is obvious. “Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full” John 16:24. I get it. I know all that. But I am fiercely independent, bordering on arrogant. Reconsider the analogy about the high school book reports that I gave earlier… If that were a group project, not only would I have finished it well before the appointed due date, I probably did the whole thing myself, in an effort to avoid asking my classmates for help. I can do it better anyways. I prefer to work alone. I don’t ask for help and I don’t work well with others.

I have had a job since I was 13-years old when Winn-Dixie hired me as their “cart-girl” (keeping it classy). Not one day since then have I been unemployed. And now after slaving away at the university for four years, making excellent grades and throwing myself into my education, I have nothing to show for it. Except student loan debt and additional stress. I was passed over for a job that I was better qualified for because of nepotism. I can just barely pay my bills. Savings are gone. Nothing supresses my soul more than having to be dependent on others. Or God, for that matter. Which is stupid, and makes no sense, and I know that. I just have nothing to give anymore and I am so exhausted.

Okay, I’ve been rambling. If you're looking for a point I apologize because I'm pretty sure there isn't one. I am stuck. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m floundering about this life, fucking up just about everything in the process. I live and eat and breathe and struggle to get by, but that is the sum of my existence. If life is a highway then I am completely drunk at the wheel. So for lack of any better options and because I have exhausted all my futilely pathetic efforts to control my own life, I acquiesce.

God, I am asking. Do your magic.
You’re better at this than me.
I will just be here. Waiting.

Oh, and God? I'll try really hard not to whine so much.


  1. I was really disappointed when this ended! I loved your voice in this, it's different than your short stories or poetry, but it is clearly your voice.

    I'm freaking pumped for you. You know I prayed you wouldn't get that job, right :-)

    I didn't, really. But I'm glad you didn't get it if it's forcing you to look at these things. You have an incredible mind, and are sooo talented. I'm glad God is shaking you awake.

  2. I know this is easier said than done, but you just have to keep at it. It seems that a lot of people are in our shoes. I know that this provides no comfort, and it annoys me when someone tells me something like, "Others have it worse and blah blah blah," so I'm not going to tell you anything like that. But maybe these things are happening to us right now for a very specific reason. It's all part of our personal journeys, you know? Again, not much comfort to be had there, but I am trying to believe that this is bringing me to something better, that's greater than my own understanding. And what little comfort this may be, know that you have a support system out there who is rooting for you.

  3. I ditto Kate on the fact that not getting the job forced you to find your voice and identity elsewhere. This was good for me to read. thank you!